Create the orgy you want to see in the world.

femsexAlthough I never intended to specialize in sex parties, it seems to have happened. It’s simply a kind of play I enjoy in my personal life, which dovetails nicely with my work as a sex educator. Play parties, orgies, threesomes… they’re the stuff of fantasy for a lot of folks. And while there are special considerations when it comes to safety and negotiation, I think they’re also a lot more accessible than you might realize.

My friend Courtney just wrote an article for Autostraddle about a ‘Femme Sex Coven’ we both belong to, and its massive popularity (and the questions I’ve received after posting it) make it clear I should post some resources. So what follows are a few links and articles, along with a repost of an article originally written for Fuck.com.

A few weeks ago I was asked to speak at Portland State University about sex parties. This surprised and delighted me, and the students had fabulous questions. I wrote about the talk and the experience for Clone-a-Willy, here.

The coven mentioned in Courtney’s article above was also recorded for an episode of Sex on the Brain with Amory Jane.

Reid Mihalko and I geeked out about spin-the-bottle parties and other sex party goodness on FaceBook Live.

And here’s what I had to say for Fuck.com:

The fantasy when it comes to multi-person sex, from threesomes to orgies, is that they just spontaneously happen. Sure, once in a while that might be true, especially if you run with a sexually open crowd, but it’s not likely and it’s also not ideal.

When it comes to sex, any kind of sex, communication is key. And the more people are involved, the more true that becomes. Everyone brings their own expectations, desires, and limits to the table, and hoping to meet those needs and not cross those boundaries without an explicit conversation is flirting with disaster.

So that’s where step one comes in; communicate and plan. You never want to surprise someone with your intention for group sex. That’s a surefire way to stress relationships and friendships. So float the idea to a couple of your friends or partners first. Pick people you know to be sexually open and adventurous. Once you have a small, core group of people in mind, each person can think about other folks to invite.

Whoever is hosting the party is responsible for establishing ground rules and setting the tone. Do you want to require safer sex practices such as condoms for penetration? Make sure that’s clear. Or maybe you just want to start with a snuggle and make-out party. That’s totally valid too. As long as these rules and boundaries are clear to everyone involved.

Speaking of make-out parties— that might sound silly, but having sexy parties that don’t include sex can be a great way to start getting people comfortable with each other. It could be a spin-the-bottle party, a snuggle party, a porn watching party, or an erotica reading party— whatever works for you and your group of friends. Hell, maybe you’ll decide to go bowling or go to karaoke. Whatever you choose, don’t underestimate the value of these steps before the main event.

When the time for the orgy or sex party does arrive, make sure everyone attending understands they are under no obligation to engage in sexual acts. Voyeurism is participation. The ground rules you establish should include an explicit container of consent so that everyone present feels safe enough about their boundaries being respected to be adventurous. People need to know that everyone will ask before they touch and that nothing will happen without clear permission.

Either at the beginning of the party or in advance (in a FaceBook group, an email thread, etc.) let everyone state their fantasies and their boundaries. This is a great starting point to get everyone on the same page, and to figure out what the party is going to look like. This is also a great time for everyone to make clear what their safer sex or relationship boundaries are, and also to share other safety information, like STI testing history.

Once this discussion is done, sometimes an ice breaker can be helpful. I’ve seen spin the bottle used to great effect as a way to get people used to interacting with each other in a sexual capacity. If you’re into kink, there’s also the kiss-or-slap version. Party games can be a valuable way to work through the inevitable shyness people feel when thrown together in a charged environment.

The term “orgy” brings to mind a free-for-all, but that’s generally not the case. More often people end up in pairs, triads, foursomes, and moresomes, that may grow and shift over the period of the party. Simply being in a sex-positive space can be a great thrill!

When it comes to other logistics, don’t overlook the details. If possible the host should provide a variety of safer sex supplies such as condoms, gloves, dental dams, and lube. Include non-latex options and body safe lubes. Having sheets and towels available is also good form.

Orgies are thirsty (and hungry) work! Make the event a pot-luck or plan to have snacks available. When it comes to beverages, decide whether you want to allow alcohol. Many people enjoy a drink or two, but you don’t want people getting too intoxicated. That can create situations where people do things they’ll later regret or worse.

Lastly, make sure everyone is prepared to respect the privacy of all the party guests. Many people need to maintain confidentiality around their sexual exploits, and knowing this will be respected will help people relax and enjoy themselves. For this reason you may want to explicitly ban photography, and make sure that any online groups you use to plan are set to private.

With a little simple planning, and a lot of open communication, a orgy or sexy party can be an empowering adventure for all involved.

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