Fantasy exploration for hotter, more intimate sex

People reach out to sex coaches for many reasons. Wanting hotter, more intimate sex is one of the more common. The problem is that many people feel like something is missing, but they can’t define what. To help them get there, I’ve developed several tools for sexual fantasy exploration, and here I’m sharing one of my favorites.

Why explore sexual fantasies?

Too many people repress their sexual fantasies. It’s understandable because messages that sex is shameful or embarrassing are everywhere. And it’s hard not to internalize those beliefs.

I’m regularly asked if a particular fantasy is “normal.” From coaching clients to college students, it’s a common concern. But what does normal even mean in this context?

We know from studies of sexual fantasy that the ideas that turn people on are incredibly diverse. It’s a safe bet that whatever you’re into, you’re not alone.

Fantasy exploration is one of the best ways to figure out your unique path to pleasure and satisfaction. And exploring with a partner can also be a valuable way to bring you closer together. Having these conversations builds intimacy even if you don’t try the fantasies.

Tools for exploring fantasies

When people look for sex ideas, they often turn to a yes/no/maybe list. It’s a tool most commonly used in the kink & BDSM scene, though they’re helpful for any sexual exploration or negotiation. It works like a menu.

If you were to go to a restaurant (or order takeout), you wouldn’t have to pull from your imagination what you want to eat out of all the foods available in the world. Of course not. No, you’d look at the menu from the restaurant of your choice and consider their available items. Based on their descriptions, you can imagine each item and see if it sounds like what you’re in the mood for.

Yes/no/maybe lists work the same way. You can look through the list of items and consider each one based on your current mood. Sometimes there’s a bit of research involved, too. Much like looking at a restaurant menu and needing to google an ingredient or two, you’re likely to see items on a yes/no/maybe list that you’ve never heard of before.

These lists are great tools that I regularly recommend to folks. I use them as handouts in my classes, and I also include them in my books, Tongue Tied, and The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes.

But as helpful as these lists can be, I know that it can be challenging for some folks to wrap their minds around the activities listed in the abstract. “Spanking,” for example, can seem unappealing out of context. What kind of spanking? How would it go? What would it feel like?

Using erotica to explore fantasies

To help provide some context, I like to use erotica anthologies as a narrative form of a yes/no/maybe list.

How does that work? Grab some multi-colored sticky tabs and pick up a book of erotica (or several.) I like to use anthologies in particular because if there’s an author or story you’re not crazy about, you’re only a couple of pages away from the next one. You can even get erotica anthologies of short-shorts and only commit 500-1,000 words per story.

When shopping for erotica, you can stay general or get specific. There are books for just about every interest, including bondage & kink, books written by and for women, and queer erotica. A few of my favorites are listed here if you’d like somewhere to start.

Next, grab your stickers. Maybe red, yellow, and green for easy reference, but any colors you like will work. Start reading through the stories and when you find something that turns you on or catches your interest, give it a green sticky. When you find something that’s a turn-off, or crosses a boundary for you, give it a red sticky. If you’d like to take it one step further, give anything you’re curious about but not sold on a yellow sticky.

Once you’ve made it through several stories (or several books), you should have plenty of sticky tabs to reference. Do you notice any themes? Do your green tabs have anything in common? Maybe you’ve discovered that the spanking scenes do it for you, but you prefer when they’re over-the-knee. Or perhaps you’ve noticed that name-calling is a turn-off.

All discoveries are helpful. Knowing what you’re not into is just as valuable as knowing what you are into. Based on this information, you can get more books about the things you like, find classes on those topics, or dive in and tell a partner about what you’d like to try.

Try this fantasy exploration exercise with a partner

This exercise is terrific for self-discovery, and it can also be a great tool to use with a partner.

Many people struggle to start a conversation about fantasy or about trying new things and having an exercise like this can make it less scary.

For starters, it can feel more manageable if the ideas are coming from a book, rather than asking for something you came up with on your own. It can make the topic feel less vulnerable.

There are a few ways to do this exercise with another person.

1. Share the same book but use different color sticky tabs.
2. Share the same book, but transfer your insights into a journal, so no sticky tabs show in the book when the other person reads it.
3. Get two copies of the book so you can each go through the process independently and preserve your stickies for your reference.

However you compile your insights, you’ll then come together to discuss what you’ve learned. Schedule this conversation for when you’re both at your best; everyone is well-rested, well-fed, and ready to talk.

To avoid getting overwhelmed, try bringing just three suggestions to the table for starters, and see if your partner is up for choosing one of them to try.

If you want more help with sexual fantasy exploration, I’ve got a whole class on the topic! I’m finally getting some of my content up on Teachable so that you can watch courses anytime. Check it out.

A version of this post first appeared on Splash, but I’m now consolidating my relevant writing here.