Previously posted to Substack March 9, 2021, and part of my efforts to consolidate all of my blogging here.
Itās launch day for my second book, The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes! As part of the virtual book tour, Iāve been talking about threesomes on podcasts and across the web. One article, from Healthline, listed a few app suggestions for people looking for threesome buddies. This list started a conversation between my sweetie and Iā¦
First, some context. Iām in the same boat as a a lot of polyamorous folks right now, in a state of what some people are calling āpandemic monogamy.ā Personally, I donāt really like that phrase, because I feel like it over values physical, sexual connections. Just because Iām only having sex with one person right now doesnāt mean my other relationships arenāt still important.
That said, my dating life has been on hold for the last year. My bubble essentially consists of one person, and Iāve had too much pandemic brain fog to even think about adding people to the mix. (You can read a previous post about my pandemic induced low desire.)
I know a lot of people have been enjoying extended courting periods with people from online apps, but I just havenāt had that kind of energy. And that means I hadnāt opened any of the dating apps on my phone for the last year.
Well, my sweetie is braver and full of more energy than I am, and took one for the team, downloading several threesome focused apps and testing them out. Hereās his take on the options:
I was surprised to discover so many threesome-oriented dating apps on the iPhone app store; there are several, and I only took a look at a few inspired by the list in that article mentioning you. There are frustrations with all of them, but was surprisingly heartening to flip through a succession of people earnestly and cheerfully naming what they want without the coded language of regular dating tools, and the peculiar fatigue which comes of encountering a series of folks who are not quite for you is eased a bit by seeing couples together.
Feeld is solid; someone gave it some real thought. Couples have individual profiles linked in a graceful way, and the whole app is pretty nicely done. Like a lot of apps it uses a āfreemiumā model: one can use the app for free, or pay for better tools. The free version works well enough that one can really use the service without having to commit to a subscription, though if one is looking intensely I imagine that $11/month for the power tools for searching and such could be worth it. That said, it has some odd qualities. There is a tagging scheme for ālooking forā and āinterestsā which has clumsy example tags which do not seem to meaningfully affect the base experience, anyway.
#open is the most ambitiously-designed app I looked at. Setting up an account is a bit involved, including a lot of options for gender and sexuality and a tour through an encouragingly serious statement of community ethics. Like Feeld, it makes it easy for couples to link their individual profiles, and when one is coupled browsing for matches is done in distinct modes, for when one is presenting as an individual versus as a couple, with an easy flip between the two modes.
3Fun has couples sharing a single profile together. There is a particularly nifty feature in which one can include āprivateā spicier pictures to reveal to matches at oneās convenience. But Likes are tightly rationed for non-paying users, and being a paid user costs a hefty $30/month.
3rder is simpler, and built around the quick swipe-swipe-swipe behavior exemplified by Tinder. The freemium model is designed so that one can get a taste of the app and the people but it is nearly useless without the $10/month subscription, since that is required to filter for people near you.
3Way is fascinatingly terrible, obviously made by changing just a few things from a normal app which was obviously also bad. A ācoupleā profile has personal information as if for an individual: one age, one height! Plus there are a bunch of bizarre options for personal information: is my personality social, political, trustworthy, or dominating? I donāt know!
Fantasy Match is an intriguing app that I have to mention, despite being unable to really evaluate it. It has an elaborate system of cards for identifying oneās fantasies, it offers to sell $10 ādecksā to ālearnā from ā¦ and I could not try to match anyone because it does not allow that until there are enough other people in your area to constitute a critical mass!
As part of this experiment, I did create a new Feeld profile. (It wouldnāt let me log in to my old one after updating the app.) Because Feeld allows couples to link their profiles, I got one up and running again for my sweetie to link to. Of course, once I was online again, I did poke around a bit. Weāve even been talking to a few folks.
For me, any new in-person dating is still at least a few months off. Iām not comfortable sharing air-space until Iāve been vaccinated against Covid and until vaccinations are more widespread in general.Ā But it has been nice to remember that there are a lot of lovely humans still out there, and that some fun adventures are in store in the not-too-distant future!
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It’s bittersweet to revisit my optimism of almost exactly four years ago. Clearly, the world ā and the pandeimc response ā didn’t go the way I’d thought or hoped. Even so, dating and relationships move on! And human connection remains essential. A few covid cautious datings apps have sprung up, like Refresh, and Covid Chemistry, and there are also dating groups on Facebook and Reddit.
And although releasing a book about threesomes and group sex at the height of a global pandemic was far from ideal ā the book continues to do well! I’m still intereviewed on podcasts about the topic, and my threesome class is always a good time. Plus, threesome advice remains a popular topic in my one-on-one coaching.
If you’re curious about threesomes, check out my (free!) Threesome Exploration Workbook.