When social distancing means close quarters

All we’re seeing in the news and in our social media feeds is telling us to keep our distance from other people — but how does that work when you live with other people? It means being in very close quarters for an undetermined amount of time. 

We all lead busy lives. Between jobs, hobbies, and friends, it’s possible to barely see the people we live with. (I can go a week without seeing my housemate.) So when you’re suddenly together all day, every day, it can be a tough adjustment. 

In China, while people were under quarantine, divorce rates spiked. One article reports, “Officials believe the sharp increase of divorce requests could be caused by the fact that partners have spent too much time in close quarters under quarantine.” 

How can we avoid the same fates? Set some ground rules — and the sooner the better. Just like you may have had to negotiate time together before self-imposed quarantines, now you’re going to need to negotiate time apart. While we are social creatures who thrive on community contact, there are limits. And that goes doubly true for the introverts among us. 

If your space is big enough, set some boundaries so everyone in the household gets a personal space. While having a room to yourself is ideal, it’s not always possible. Whatever solution you come up with, make sure there’s a space to call your own. 

Next, set a schedule. Just because you’re in the same house or same room, doesn’t mean you’re on call at all times. Whether working from home or simply focusing on projects or entertainments of your own choosing, it’s vital to have uninterrupted time for yourself. 

Try setting a schedule that mimics your work day — even if you’re letting yourself sleep in more than usual. Get up, shower, get dressed, eat real food. It’s important to keep a sense of normalcy. And then decide what hours are for private time and what are shared. If you’re used to an 8-hour work day, stick with that. Maybe with an hour shared lunch in the middle. 

And just because you’re both home at night doesn’t mean that every night becomes a date night. If you want a night to read a book or play video games, that’s okay! Negotiate and schedule that the same way you would have scheduled a night out with your friends. 

Speaking of your friends — be sure to stay in touch. Schedule phone calls and video chats. Play online games together. You can even watch movies together with a video chat open, or a running text commentary. Make sure you continue to have outside support and outside contact and viewpoints. 

With the stress of the coming days and weeks (maybe even months) some conflict is inevitable. As much as possible, negotiate that in advance, too. Set some ground rules for how to fight. Come to an agreement that any person can call a time out, where you go to your separate spaces to cool off. Once voices are raised, no useful discussion is going to happen. Best to cool off and return to the conversation when everyone feels more calm. 

You might need to get creative to keep your spirits up. Look though old photos and talk about the good times you’ve had. Fantasize about trips you’ll take in the future. Bring back some old-time entertainment like charades. As long as it makes you smile. 

And these guidelines aren’t just for romantic partners. Every household is going to be under tension and it’s important to talk about what you need to feel as secure and calm as possible. 

Talking about how you feel and what you need isn’t always easy. But it beats the alternative of keeping it inside until you reach a breaking point. 

If you’d like some help working on these techniques, or want to use your extra time at home to work on anything else to do with sex, communication, relationships, or even kink, you’re in luck. I’m offering 20% off phone or video sessions with the code STAYHOME. Schedule here.